Subversive Songs for Malcontents

by Adam Baum

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released December 13, 2016



all rights reserved
Track Name: I Don't Know Shit
I Don’t Know Shit

Before you ask I will let you know, I didn’t see that viral video
Before you ask, no I did not see that hip new show that’s on t.v.
I must’ve missed that new movie too starring whats-her-face and God knows who
I also missed that awesome game with some sports team with some sports name

Don’t bother talking to me because I don’t know shit about anything that’s of interest to anyone
Anytime anyplace anywhere, no interest to anyone ever

I didn’t check out your Facebook post, even the one that got liked the most
I didn’t download the latest app or tweet or text you all my latest crap
I didn’t hear that new hit song, the one that’s got everybody singing along
It’s by some chick singer with just one name; you must think my life is pretty lame

Insta what? Snap-a-who? This dude don’t have a clue
Xbox and such it’s all too much my clutch is out of touch

Kids today and their dungarees, their shaggy hair and their jazz LPs
Ditched the 8-track and dumped CDs, now they have electronic disease
Pasty skin and bodies frail, they guzzle energy drinks from a 5 quart pail
If I tried I know I would fail; they’d lock me up in pop culture jail
Track Name: What Would Jesus Do?

What would Jesus do?
Buy an oversized house and an SUV, yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do
Hit the mall for a shopping spree, yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do
Invest his savings in an IRA, hang out at the clubhouse sipping Chardonnay
Yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do, ain’t it crazy that he’s just like you?

What would Jesus do?
Grub hot wings till he busts his pants, yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do
Yell woo at girls looking for romance, yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do
Gotta find out if that’s what he’d do, gonna give him a call and see if it’s true
Yeah, I gotta know what Jesus would do, gotta know if he is just like you

Hello, Jesus? This is………….oh yeah, of course you knew who it was. Listen bro, I’ve got a quick question.
Now I’m down with your love thy neighbor business; but were you serious about the whole rejection of worldly possessions and living in service to others thing?………yeah………is that right………….Mother Theresa?..............oh wow, well, ya know I kind of like all my stuff and poor people are just kind of gross and icky………..OK………yeah I’ll try. But just in case, do you have Mohammed’s number?

What would Jesus do?
Beg his church to buy him a plane, yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do
Build a golden shrine to his own name, yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do
Make bobble-head dolls of him and the pope, hang out with Willie maybe smoke some dope
Yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do, ain’t it crazy that he’s just like you?
Track Name: Dude, Really? Whatever..
Dude, really? Whatever…

Barack Obama he’s a goddamn communist
He’s set out to destroy America
He ain’t no Christian, he’s a goddamn Muslim
And we all know he was born in Africa

Dude, really? Whatever… Dude really, what the hell

There’s plenty wrong in this messed up world today
Plenty that should make you pissed
But this isn’t one of them, I’m not so sad to say
But go ahead and shake your angry fist
And I’ll say dude, really? Whatever…. Dude really what the hell

Marriage should be between a man and a woman
No goddamn queer deserves a voice
We reserve the right to turn down faggots
It ain’t biology, it’s a choice

We’re gonna shut down the whole damn government
If Planned Parenthood gets more funds
Parental counseling is a detriment
Even if stem cells save everyone
Track Name: U.S. Divorce
U.S. Divorce

Eye to eye we tried to see
Through counseling and therapy
Still all we ever do is fight
But there’s a way to make it right

Divorce, of course, the US should divorce
Sign the papers nicely, or with a little force
We had ourselves a real good run but got hopelessly off course
Divorce, of course, the US should divorce

We get California and New York
You get the states that produce the most pork
You can have Indiana and Lou-isiana
And though I heard it’s nice, you can have Montana
The Northeast is ours, we’ll take Minnesota
You get the South and both of the Dakotas
We get the Northwest, we’ll give you Alaska
Hawaii’s ours, I won’t even ask ya


We’ll take the blacks and the Mexicans too
And just to be fair, we’ll split the Jews
You won’t take Arabs but you might take Chinks
We get the brains, you get the dinks
You take the Bush’s and that turtle McConnell
We’ll be stuck with Rosie O’Donnell
Please keep Newt and we’ll keep Barack
Schwarzenegger’s yours, but we’re taking the Rock


You can write yourselves a new Constitution
Outlaw abortion and Evolution
You can all go to that stupid Noah’s Ark museum in Kentucky
That claims humans and dinosaurs coexisted just 6,000 years ago…..
Track Name: Boner Pills
Boner Pills

We can’t kick cancer and we can’t cure AIDS
But hey, we’ve got boner pills
We can’t cure hemophilia or hairy cell leukemia
But hey, we’ve got boner pills
If you’ve got meningitis, don’t even try to fight it
Just take a boner pill
No matter what your ill, you can always make it fill
Cause we’ve got boner pills

Take your lady to Niagara and swallow a Viagra
It’s a boner pill
Tell your sweetie Alice, you just took Cialis
It’s a boner pill
Just find a senorita when you’re on Levitra
A lesser known boner pill
Tell your cousin George that he can be engorged
If he takes a boner pill

There’s lots of ways to spend our time
And ways to spend each research dime
With every ailment under the sun
The boner pill; priority one

Don’t be feeling gimpy because you got a limpy
Take a boner pill
The evening is placid, but you’re a little flaccid
Take a boner pill
You try to be a hero but your meter’s on zero
Take a boner pill
If more than 4 hours, the mood really sours
This goddamn boner pill
Track Name: The Heist
The Heist

As a robber, you’re a disgrace
You shoulda broke in to a nicer place
Not the little rat hole where I dwell
There weren’t no guns or jewelry or cash
But at least you got lucky and you found my stash
Worth about 50 bucks if you decide to sell

Lord have mercy, God bless your soul
You try to make a living off of what you stole
Sorry that my junk won’t get you far
Lord have mercy, God bless your soul
It’s like waking up Christmas to a lump of coal
But thank you for not taking my guitars

You ransacked the place with breakneck speed
For an ancient boom box and a bag of weed
If you’re trying to get by, that ain’t enough
If you want to live a life of crime
And run the risk of real jail time
Rob a decent house with nicer stuff
Track Name: This Gun's Alright
This Gun’s Alright

So I heard this guy from the NRA
He said to end violence, you gotta get a gun today
Why let the criminals have all the fun
Now Granny’s got an uzi watch the bad guys run
So I got myself a pistol and an AR-15
I loaded up with bullets and an extra magazine
What could possibly go wrong when everybody’s armed
Now we can be sure that nobody gets harmed

Well I got into a spat at a traffic light
Next thing I know it became a gun fight
Bullets were a flying from the left and the right
Six bystanders died but it was worth it alright
Now I’m invincible, I feel like a man
I ain’t taking no shit with a weapon in hand
The second amendment gives me the right
To bunker in my arsenal every night

I know my rights, this gun’s alright
Ready to fight, this gun’s alright
Don’t cross me tonight, this gun’s alright
Gotta get a gun to survive through the night

So I walked into the ER with a bullet in my chest
I had to wait in line, behind all the rest
I got so impatient, and it made me upset
So I whipped out my gun, now they won’t forget
First I shot the doctor, then I shot the nurse
I started thinking maybe all these guns were a curse
Then I thought no, they got what they deserved
So I bled to death knowing that justice was served
Track Name: I.S.I.S.KFC

Ever since I can remember and even way before
Somewhere in the Middle East there’s always been some war
Now I’m no world leader or a diplomat it’s true
I’m just a dumb hillbilly, but I know just what to do

Crush the movement with a KFC
They’ll forget all about it once they try that recipe
We’ll undermine ISIS with 11 herbs and spices
We’ll crush em with a KFC

They’ll be busy finger lickin when they taste the Colonel’s chicken
Original and extra crispy too
Who’s got time for killin’ when your belly is a-fillin’
With greasy blood vessel cloggin’ goo

While they’re kicked back digestin’, we’ll just keep investin’
We’ll slip a strip mall right next door
We’ll deck them out at T.J. Maxx, they’ll forget their planned attacks
Soon they’ll be beggin us for more

We’ll give em all free wi-fi, their joy will be sky high
We’ll get em hooked on cute cat videos
They won’t wanna hollah, they’ll be busy praisin’ Allah
For drive thru tater wedges on the go

Thanks to Colonel Sanders, won’t need no tank commanders
We’ll share a 10 piece bucket in peace
Al-Qaeda wouldn’t risk it, for a flaky golden biscuit
Popcorn chicken fills the Middle East
Track Name: My Own Jihad
My Own Jihad
My neighbor Steve he never rakes his leaves, that infidel must die
Jerry from work, man that dude's always been a jerk, that infidel must die
My cousin Bob, what a pathetic slob, that infidel must die
I'll get em all in the name of some God, it's my own jihad
I'll get em all in the name of some quasi-mythical supernatural entity that I somehow feel will be pleased if I kill a bunch of's my own jihad

I'll get backing from Russia, Vladimir will crush ya, you infidels must die
With funding from China, you know I'm gonna find ya, you infidels must die
I'll get suicide bombers to put an end to commerce, you infidels must die
I'll get you all in the name of some God, it's my own jihad
I'll get you all in the name of some quasi-mythical supernatural entity that I somehow feel will be pleased if I kill a bunch of's my own jihad

If I don't get my, you'll all have to pay
If I'm not in control, you're gonna have to go
How great will it be when you all think just like me
But if you disagree, brother you will bleed

I'll nuke my own city for being too shitty, those infidels must die
Drop a bomb on my pad, my dog has really been bad, that infidel must die
The only real solution, a total revolution, all infidels must die
I'll do it all in the name of some God, it's my own jihad
I'll do it all in the name of some quasi-mythical supernatural entity that I somehow feel will be pleased if I kill a bunch of's my own jihad
Track Name: Welcome to the Men's Room
Welcome to the Men’s Room

Once her name was Carly, now she’s a he named Charlie
His first time in the men’s room I was dumping a gnarly
With a smell straight from Hell and the sounds, like a Harley
My new diet plan was rich in barley

The ladies room by contrast, it comes with much less bombast
But Charlie cast that all into the past
He’ll learn to finish really fast, fresh air will never last
Get out before you’re dead from being gassed

Welcome to the men’s room, the most wretched place there is
There’s a heavy price to pay each time you take a whiz
Don’t sit on the seats, use a hundred toilet paper sheets
Welcome to the men’s room, what a treat

Now I think I’m progressive and not at all possessive
‘Bout who does thier business where, I’m not oppressive
So come on in, be expressive, I’ll never be obsessive
Just remember NOT to flush if it’s impressive


Though you may not have male parts, you’re a man to take these farts
I know you must have balls just to walk into these stalls
I don’t care if you see, or if you stand to pee
Now "yer-in" the urinals with me

Track Name: I Should Care
I Should Care

I wanna make a fur coat for my girlfriend Janet
From the last polar bear left alive on the planet
Scratch 'em from the endangered species list
If you want good sushi, let me man it
We'll eat the last bluefin tuna on the planet
The one the Japanese missed last time they fished

How can I be more succinct?
You know it ain't my fault if they go extinct
Progress must progress I hope you see
I can't be any less distinct
Nature's buggy and dirty and it usually stinks
What'd the ecosystem ever do for me?

I mean besides clean water and besides fresh air
Besides resources with a lot to spare
Besides less disease of the derriere
OK, I get, I should care

I wanna get the horn from the last black rhino
An aphrodisiac, well, Hell if I know
The Chinese say it'll make me more of a man
I heard the same about tigers' balls
Let's get a gun and go shoot 'em all
Important mystical beliefs, you must understand

Seven billion people ain't enough
We need more land so cough it up
Besides, this wi-fi world don't need no trees
If you're not a cow, a sheep or a pig
There's no room for you, ya dig?
Join the dinosaurs and just cease to be
Track Name: Now I'm a Jerk and Everyone Loves Me
Now I’m a Jerk and Everyone Loves Me

I used to always try to be a real nice guy
That got me nowhere fast, nice guys always come in last
So one day I made a change, my life I did rearrange
I became a giant ass, now my future is bright at last

Now I’m a jerk and everyone loves me
Now I’m a jerk I’ve got it made
No need to be polite, I might even pick a fight
I’m such a blight, man ain’t I great

I’ll tell you your butt looks fat, I’ll knock off your cowboy hat
I’ll kick your dog and your cat, I might use a baseball bat
All the guys wanna be my friend, All the girls wanna take me in
I might run for president, or build a jerk monument

I can’t say I understand why a prick with a heavy hand
Is in such high demand, in charge and in command
I guess if you are a sheep, you’ll want a mean Bo-Peep
So now you can get some sleep and never have to think too deep