I Don’t Know Shit Before you ask I will let you know, I didn’t see that viral video Before you ask, no I did not see that hip new show that’s on t.v. I must’ve missed that new movie too starring whats-her-face and God knows who I also missed that awesome game with some sports team with some sports name Don’t bother talking to me because I don’t know shit about anything that’s of interest to anyone Anytime anyplace anywhere, no interest to anyone ever I didn’t check out your Facebook post, even the one that got liked the most I didn’t download the latest app or tweet or text you all my latest crap I didn’t hear that new hit song, the one that’s got everybody singing along It’s by some chick singer with just one name; you must think my life is pretty lame Insta what? Snap-a-who? This dude don’t have a clue Xbox and such it’s all too much my clutch is out of touch Kids today and their dungarees, their shaggy hair and their jazz LPs Ditched the 8-track and dumped CDs, now they have electronic disease Pasty skin and bodies frail, they guzzle energy drinks from a 5 quart pail If I tried I know I would fail; they’d lock me up in pop culture jail

WWJD What would Jesus do? Buy an oversized house and an SUV, yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do Hit the mall for a shopping spree, yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do Invest his savings in an IRA, hang out at the clubhouse sipping Chardonnay Yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do, ain’t it crazy that he’s just like you? What would Jesus do? Grub hot wings till he busts his pants, yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do Yell woo at girls looking for romance, yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do Gotta find out if that’s what he’d do, gonna give him a call and see if it’s true Yeah, I gotta know what Jesus would do, gotta know if he is just like you Hello, Jesus? This is………….oh yeah, of course you knew who it was. Listen bro, I’ve got a quick question. Now I’m down with your love thy neighbor business; but were you serious about the whole rejection of worldly possessions and living in service to others thing?………yeah………is that right………….Mother Theresa?..............oh wow, well, ya know I kind of like all my stuff and poor people are just kind of gross and icky………..OK………yeah I’ll try. But just in case, do you have Mohammed’s number? What would Jesus do? Beg his church to buy him a plane, yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do Build a golden shrine to his own name, yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do Make bobble-head dolls of him and the pope, hang out with Willie maybe smoke some dope Yeah, that’s pretty much what Jesus would do, ain’t it crazy that he’s just like you?

Dude, really? Whatever… Barack Obama he’s a goddamn communist He’s set out to destroy America He ain’t no Christian, he’s a goddamn Muslim And we all know he was born in Africa Dude, really? Whatever… Dude really, what the hell There’s plenty wrong in this messed up world today Plenty that should make you pissed But this isn’t one of them, I’m not so sad to say But go ahead and shake your angry fist And I’ll say dude, really? Whatever…. Dude really what the hell Marriage should be between a man and a woman No goddamn queer deserves a voice We reserve the right to turn down faggots It ain’t biology, it’s a choice We’re gonna shut down the whole damn government If Planned Parenthood gets more funds Parental counseling is a detriment Even if stem cells save everyone

U.S. Divorce Eye to eye we tried to see Through counseling and therapy Still all we ever do is fight But there’s a way to make it right Chorus Divorce, of course, the US should divorce Sign the papers nicely, or with a little force We had ourselves a real good run but got hopelessly off course Divorce, of course, the US should divorce We get California and New York You get the states that produce the most pork You can have Indiana and Lou-isiana And though I heard it’s nice, you can have Montana The Northeast is ours, we’ll take Minnesota You get the South and both of the Dakotas We get the Northwest, we’ll give you Alaska Hawaii’s ours, I won’t even ask ya Chorus We’ll take the blacks and the Mexicans too And just to be fair, we’ll split the Jews You won’t take Arabs but you might take Chinks We get the brains, you get the dinks You take the Bush’s and that turtle McConnell We’ll be stuck with Rosie O’Donnell Please keep Newt and we’ll keep Barack Schwarzenegger’s yours, but we’re taking the Rock Chorus You can write yourselves a new Constitution Outlaw abortion and Evolution You can all go to that stupid Noah’s Ark museum in Kentucky That claims humans and dinosaurs coexisted just 6,000 years ago…..

Boner Pills We can’t kick cancer and we can’t cure AIDS But hey, we’ve got boner pills We can’t cure hemophilia or hairy cell leukemia But hey, we’ve got boner pills If you’ve got meningitis, don’t even try to fight it Just take a boner pill No matter what your ill, you can always make it fill Cause we’ve got boner pills Take your lady to Niagara and swallow a Viagra It’s a boner pill Tell your sweetie Alice, you just took Cialis It’s a boner pill Just find a senorita when you’re on Levitra A lesser known boner pill Tell your cousin George that he can be engorged If he takes a boner pill There’s lots of ways to spend our time And ways to spend each research dime With every ailment under the sun The boner pill; priority one Don’t be feeling gimpy because you got a limpy Take a boner pill The evening is placid, but you’re a little flaccid Take a boner pill You try to be a hero but your meter’s on zero Take a boner pill If more than 4 hours, the mood really sours This goddamn boner pill

The Heist As a robber, you’re a disgrace You shoulda broke in to a nicer place Not the little rat hole where I dwell There weren’t no guns or jewelry or cash But at least you got lucky and you found my stash Worth about 50 bucks if you decide to sell Chorus Lord have mercy, God bless your soul You try to make a living off of what you stole Sorry that my junk won’t get you far Lord have mercy, God bless your soul It’s like waking up Christmas to a lump of coal But thank you for not taking my guitars You ransacked the place with breakneck speed For an ancient boom box and a bag of weed If you’re trying to get by, that ain’t enough If you want to live a life of crime And run the risk of real jail time Rob a decent house with nicer stuff

This Gun’s Alright So I heard this guy from the NRA He said to end violence, you gotta get a gun today Why let the criminals have all the fun Now Granny’s got an uzi watch the bad guys run So I got myself a pistol and an AR-15 I loaded up with bullets and an extra magazine What could possibly go wrong when everybody’s armed Now we can be sure that nobody gets harmed Well I got into a spat at a traffic light Next thing I know it became a gun fight Bullets were a flying from the left and the right Six bystanders died but it was worth it alright Now I’m invincible, I feel like a man I ain’t taking no shit with a weapon in hand The second amendment gives me the right To bunker in my arsenal every night Chorus I know my rights, this gun’s alright Ready to fight, this gun’s alright Don’t cross me tonight, this gun’s alright Gotta get a gun to survive through the night So I walked into the ER with a bullet in my chest I had to wait in line, behind all the rest I got so impatient, and it made me upset So I whipped out my gun, now they won’t forget First I shot the doctor, then I shot the nurse I started thinking maybe all these guns were a curse Then I thought no, they got what they deserved So I bled to death knowing that justice was served

K.F.C Ever since I can remember and even way before Somewhere in the Middle East there’s always been some war Now I’m no world leader or a diplomat it’s true I’m just a dumb hillbilly, but I know just what to do Crush the movement with a KFC They’ll forget all about it once they try that recipe We’ll undermine ISIS with 11 herbs and spices We’ll crush em with a KFC They’ll be busy finger lickin when they taste the Colonel’s chicken Original and extra crispy too Who’s got time for killin’ when your belly is a-fillin’ With greasy blood vessel cloggin’ goo While they’re kicked back digestin’, we’ll just keep investin’ We’ll slip a strip mall right next door We’ll deck them out at T.J. Maxx, they’ll forget their planned attacks Soon they’ll be beggin us for more We’ll give em all free wi-fi, their joy will be sky high We’ll get em hooked on cute cat videos They won’t wanna hollah, they’ll be busy praisin’ Allah For drive thru tater wedges on the go Thanks to Colonel Sanders, won’t need no tank commanders We’ll share a 10 piece bucket in peace Al-Qaeda wouldn’t risk it, for a flaky golden biscuit Popcorn chicken fills the Middle East

My Own Jihad My neighbor Steve he never rakes his leaves, that infidel must die Jerry from work, man that dude's always been a jerk, that infidel must die My cousin Bob, what a pathetic slob, that infidel must die I'll get em all in the name of some God, it's my own jihad I'll get em all in the name of some quasi-mythical supernatural entity that I somehow feel will be pleased if I kill a bunch of people....it's my own jihad I'll get backing from Russia, Vladimir will crush ya, you infidels must die With funding from China, you know I'm gonna find ya, you infidels must die I'll get suicide bombers to put an end to commerce, you infidels must die I'll get you all in the name of some God, it's my own jihad I'll get you all in the name of some quasi-mythical supernatural entity that I somehow feel will be pleased if I kill a bunch of people....it's my own jihad If I don't get my, you'll all have to pay If I'm not in control, you're gonna have to go How great will it be when you all think just like me But if you disagree, brother you will bleed I'll nuke my own city for being too shitty, those infidels must die Drop a bomb on my pad, my dog has really been bad, that infidel must die The only real solution, a total revolution, all infidels must die I'll do it all in the name of some God, it's my own jihad I'll do it all in the name of some quasi-mythical supernatural entity that I somehow feel will be pleased if I kill a bunch of people....it's my own jihad

Welcome to the Men’s Room Once her name was Carly, now she’s a he named Charlie His first time in the men’s room I was dumping a gnarly With a smell straight from Hell and the sounds, like a Harley My new diet plan was rich in barley The ladies room by contrast, it comes with much less bombast But Charlie cast that all into the past He’ll learn to finish really fast, fresh air will never last Get out before you’re dead from being gassed Chorus Welcome to the men’s room, the most wretched place there is There’s a heavy price to pay each time you take a whiz Don’t sit on the seats, use a hundred toilet paper sheets Welcome to the men’s room, what a treat Now I think I’m progressive and not at all possessive ‘Bout who does thier business where, I’m not oppressive So come on in, be expressive, I’ll never be obsessive Just remember NOT to flush if it’s impressive Chorus Though you may not have male parts, you’re a man to take these farts I know you must have balls just to walk into these stalls I don’t care if you see, or if you stand to pee Now "yer-in" the urinals with me Chorus

I Should Care I wanna make a fur coat for my girlfriend Janet From the last polar bear left alive on the planet Scratch 'em from the endangered species list If you want good sushi, let me man it We'll eat the last bluefin tuna on the planet The one the Japanese missed last time they fished How can I be more succinct? You know it ain't my fault if they go extinct Progress must progress I hope you see I can't be any less distinct Nature's buggy and dirty and it usually stinks What'd the ecosystem ever do for me? I mean besides clean water and besides fresh air Besides resources with a lot to spare Besides less disease of the derriere OK, I get, I should care I wanna get the horn from the last black rhino An aphrodisiac, well, Hell if I know The Chinese say it'll make me more of a man I heard the same about tigers' balls Let's get a gun and go shoot 'em all Important mystical beliefs, you must understand Seven billion people ain't enough We need more land so cough it up Besides, this wi-fi world don't need no trees If you're not a cow, a sheep or a pig There's no room for you, ya dig? Join the dinosaurs and just cease to be

Now I’m a Jerk and Everyone Loves Me I used to always try to be a real nice guy That got me nowhere fast, nice guys always come in last So one day I made a change, my life I did rearrange I became a giant ass, now my future is bright at last Now I’m a jerk and everyone loves me Now I’m a jerk I’ve got it made No need to be polite, I might even pick a fight I’m such a blight, man ain’t I great I’ll tell you your butt looks fat, I’ll knock off your cowboy hat I’ll kick your dog and your cat, I might use a baseball bat All the guys wanna be my friend, All the girls wanna take me in I might run for president, or build a jerk monument I can’t say I understand why a prick with a heavy hand Is in such high demand, in charge and in command I guess if you are a sheep, you’ll want a mean Bo-Peep So now you can get some sleep and never have to think too deep