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Adam Baum Gets Darker and Heavier

by album, satire, sort of

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1.
My Asshole Friend Yeah he’s a ton of fun to hang around Oh the outrageous things he’s said Though deeper down, he’s more than loud and brown A darker, starker shade of red My asshole friend, he’ll screw me in the end Gotta dump my asshole friend Time to dump my asshole friend He did offend all my now former friends He always ruins everything But there’s no doubt, one day he’ll get called out And I’m tied to him with a string My asshole friend, he’ll screw me in the end Gotta dump my asshole friend Time to dump my asshole friend Once I got my ass kicked for a stupid fight that his ass picked I’m an asshole by association I can’t defend having him as my friend We’re overdue for a termination My asshole friend, he’ll screw me in the end Gotta dump my asshole friend Time to dump my asshole friend If you’re sucked in with your own asshole friend Wipe it off and walk away Otherwise, it comes as no surprise He’ll make a stinking mess I say Your asshole friend, he’ll screw you in the end Gotta dump your asshole friend Time to dump your asshole friend America, dump your asshole friend Or he’ll screw you in the end You know he’ll screw you in the end Time to dump your asshole friend
2.
Donny’s Golden Shower Donny’s got himself a sick perversion For most it would cause strong aversion Depending on the story version You choose to believe Seems plausible to me Donny’s got a thing for pee So our president’s a perv, the nerve Some get what they deserve What Vladimir did serve He’s got Golden hair, lives in a golden tower It’s a golden time for a golden shower Ain’t it cute and such a hoot Watching urine shoot From a Russian prostitute It’s not like that I’m really rootin’ For blackmail by the likes of Putin But you know that video was shootin’ That day, it’s safe to say The Kremlin plays that way It’s gonna “leak” someday They'll prove democracy's a sham, a scam America be damned That's the master plan He’s got Golden hair, lives in a golden tower It’s a golden time for a golden shower Ain’t it cute and such a hoot Watching urine shoot From a Russian prostitute Golden hair, lives in a golden tower It’s a golden time for a golden shower Rex Tillerson agrees it’s fun Paul Manafort did run When he saw what they had done
3.
I know that it's not funny watching others fail I try to hide my joy, although to no avail Your misfortune puts a smile upon my face Oh to see you fall from grace I can't avoid-a, this schadenfreude You conk your head, and even if you bled I have to laugh at your every gaff Don't be annoyed-a by my schadenfreude If I saw Paul Ryan Fail to pass a bill and he was cryin' With laughter I'd be dyin' Schadenfreude When Mr. Trump Finally gets knocked on his rump Oh the chuckles I will dump Schadenfreude Though Germans aren't known for their comedic ways You have to say that they know how to turn a phrase Watching Kelly Ann Conway struggle to justify The alternate fact that's really just a lie, oh my! I can't avoid-a this schadenfreude To watch her squirm, like a little worm To see her sweat, that's hilarious you bet Yes I enjoyed-a that schadenfreude If senator Mitch Got called out by a snitch Oh the laughter I would pitch Schadenfreude When Mr. Trump Finally gets knocked on his rump Oh the chuckles I will dump Schadenfreude
4.
May cause internal bleeding and abdominal pain May cause heart arrhythmia and swelling of the brain May cause hallucinations that will drive you insane Not to worry, no pain no gain A burning sensation in the face and hands Hope you're a nausea and diarrhea fan Swelling of the tongue and throat feels grand Not to worry, that's part of the plan Chorus These side effects are killing me They're just as bad as the disease These side effects are killing me I'll take my chances with disease If you don't die of what makes you ill The side effects of the pill likely will If after treatment you are still alive Do thank big pharma that you did survive May cause difficulty taking a breath And there's a small risk of sudden death You may loose sleep like you were on meth Do ya think you'll get better, don't make no bets May cause a big blood pressure drop Consult your doctor if your heart does stop Dizziness spins your head like a top This should be illegal, I'm calling the cops Chorus
5.
Someone to Hate My granddad hated Krauts and Japs, said the Nips deserved those A bomb slaps Dad he hated Reds, said Soviets should lose their heads Both were thrilled to see their villains dead Me I don’t have real enemies, but I still have the rage inside of me Someone out there has to be my source of animosity I’ll hate anyone who’s not like me Give me someone I can hate, some foreign guy that’s great I can’t wait to berate that guy, I hope he dies, I so despise But I, love having someone to hate I’ll hate any Muslim or Hindu, I’m pretty sure I hate the Buddhists too Liberals and Socialists, ya know I hate ‘em ‘cause they make Sean Hannity pissed But wait I’ve missed a few more from my list Give me someone I can hate, some liberal that’s great I can’t wait to berate that guy, I hope he dies, I so despise But I, love having someone to hate I’ll hate that trendy crowd uptown, and anyone who’s any shade of brown I’ll hate most all of you, too short, too fat, too red too blue Feeling superior even for a moment somehow compensates for my miserable life Give me someone I can hate, some homo guy that’s great I can’t wait to berate that guy, I hope he dies, I so despise But I, love having someone to hate
6.
Google Read My Mind Bought me some shoes on line Shipped fast and fit just fine Now the internet thinks I’m obsessed This guy loves shoes he just confessed Shoes in each pop up ad Shoe ads make me go mad Shoe ads are everywhere Don’t want no more, just got my pair Market profiling me, white male age forty three Loves shoes and herbal tea Market profiling me, no I don’t love herbal tea I clicked inadvertently Now a tea selling spree’s in line for me on line That’s fine, Google read my mind So I took myself off line, leave all shoe ads behind But the market followed me, shoe ads on billboards and tv The web has hacked my mind, see shoe ads all the time In my head and in my dreams, buy more shoes the message screams Chorus Plant an app inside my brain, advertise ‘til I’m insane, nonstop commercial train Chorus
7.
Popular Song 03:20
Sometimes I write lyrics that are devilishly clever Does anyone notice? Well, pretty much never Sweet catchy melodies, yeah I can do that Layered with harmonies to make them sound fat I've written songs that were loaded with meaning Profound for all, despite their left leaning I've done complex arrangements with 30+ chords And avid chord theorists are totally bored chorus For years and years I've been chugging along But I still can't write just one popular song I guess there's no place where my music belongs 'Cause I can't even write just one popular song Some say they're not funny, but that isn't fair I've made Mr. Swifty fall out of his chair Sometimes about mid song we have to hit stop He's cracking so hard that his head's 'bout to pop I make simple videos, Tom thinks they're a riot I slap 'em on youtube and the internet goes quiet On the Funny Music Project my songs never gauge And no traffic comes by my lame bandcamp page chorus I guess I could write stuff that's empty and feebler Polished and pointless just like Justin Bieber But that ain't no fun so it's not in my plans I don't want to disappoint all my half dozen fans chorus
8.
Gender Bender Because your genome has a Y chromosome That doesn't mean you're a male The S R Y gene, it doesn't always mean You're into chicks without fail You can't always say it's in your DNA That we don't fully understand A woman or a man, well it's not a simple plan Gender bender, ain't it grand? LGBTQ, what should I call you? Gender dysphoria does vex Are you cisgender transgender it's a never ender Gender fluid and intersex Gender conforming now seems so boring (with) Today's rich phylogeny If you're nonbinary, you're not so scary Hats off to androgyny Anyone who cares is a giant derriere Bend that gender it's OK There's no big mystery because it's all biology You are what you are anyway No need for cursin', to me you're just a person So be whatever you want Reassign, reversin', to me it ain't perversin' Convert your penis to a **** What can I say, there's a million shades of gray The black and white world has gone away Homo or hetero, nothing could be better-o So bend that gender it's OK Anyone who cares is a giant derriere Bend that gender it's OK There's no big mystery because it's all biology You are what you are anyway
9.
Good Ol’ Beelzebub If Lucifer came down To shut abortions down I’d hail him for his high morality How bad can he be If he agrees with me I’ll forgive a few atrocities ...Seems alright by me I’d sell my soul If it helps me in my goals Good old Beelzebub I know he’s wick-ed Kind of dick head Now I’m in the club Though I know he’s a nub My bud Beelzebub Satan’s smiling, he throws a wink my way says all the things I want someone to say Today he’s OK Despite the anguish he caused yesterday Today he’s A OK He says he’s now into God Not one to spare the rod He’s against Obamacare as a rule He’s not into human rights Likes picking pointless fights To me that seems to make him pretty cool ...I’ll be his tool He’s strong and sure Swears his heart is pure Good old Beelzebub Sure I believe him He wouldn’t deceive ‘em Now I’m in the club Though I know he’s a nub My bud Beelzebub Satan’s smiling, he throws a wink my way Says all the things I want someone to say Today he’s OK Despite the anguish he caused yesterday Today he’s A OK ...and he’ll cause again today
10.
I swear I'm going to loose my lunch Next time I see that orange butt munch So please do not repeat, the latest stupid tweet You're gonna get my knickers in a bunch That whole lot is insane I have a hunch Chorus can't take it, can't even fake it, I'd love to break it This ain't right I wake and bake it, but still can't shake it, you can't mistake it This ain't right Not right any day or night I swear to God I'm gonna puke From a total lack of strong rebuke Y'all act like it's OK, I'm saying dude, no way This kind of stupid isn't just a fluke A giant jackass now controls the nukes Chorus I'm going to barf the deepest bile When the next news anchor acts reviled So simple to be swayed, they're always getting played Don't mind me if I check out fro a while For me this stuff has gotten way too wild Chorus

credits

released January 17, 2017

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Adam Baum Lydick, Indiana

Has been on Dr. Demento and the Funny Music Project, so at least a few people thought it was funny, besides, Kurt thinks it is, and ya know, that's cool enough.

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